The Shadows of Intentional Community

If there’s one thing that I know, it’s that I’m committed to regenerative futures. 

I lost hope for a while and I never fully shared my experience of the process because I wanted to come from a place of neutrality and love. The last year has been extremely challenging. 

Since the beginning of covid, I’ve been mentally articulating, integrating and taking the painful lessons I’ve experienced into my internal compost to add to my fertile soil. In order to show up authentically for everything I am committed to, I have to tell my story. 

A year ago, I left what I learned to believe to be an incredibly toxic work environment within the permaculture movement. As a dear sister assisted me in analyzing, I didn’t know I was truly in the soup until I was out of it and able to look back upon it. As time has progressed, I didn’t realize how deeply traumatized and disheartened I was from this experience, which has taken me months to heal from and come back to my center. 

This work environment, that seemed to hold the image of regeneration, actually held exploitative labor practices, an emotionally unsafe environment, a culture of control, manipulation, spiritual bypassing and gaslighting, and a foundational narrative that this was the ideal for living the “permaculture lifestyle,” and leaving was an untenable choice. 

I put my trust, heart-centered hope, physical labor, two devoted years, beliefs and visions of my future into this program and community, which unfortunately ended with me needing to leave, when I realized that there was no willingness within the organization to honestly look at what was going on and change anything. When I left, my entire world collapsed and I didn’t know what to identify with anymore, when I was banned from even going to the very gardens I had been tending to over the years. 

It left me hopeless. I felt as though I was living a lie. If the community I was living in that was preaching to be one of the most sustainable communities in Florida was exemplifying the exploitive, oppressive and capitalistic behaviors that we are trying to change, then where can I look to? Where do the solutions lie? 

Do regenerative communities that embody an alignment with Earth, permaculture principle, and ethics even exist?

This was truly an experience of deep heartbreak for me. Leaving was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made. I remember the tears streaming and streaming down my face as I chose to expose the darkness, the anxiety fueling through my body even as I knew it wouldn’t be received, knowing that I would be standing alone as everyone else stood in willful ignorance, allowing the dysfunctional behaviors to continue on. A separation from my home, my community, the land I communed with, the gardens I tended to, and the visions I had. 

This entire experience- now gives me fuel to create what I know in my heart is possible. As I look back now, I feel more gratitude than sorrow and intend to share and name the oppressive forces, shedding light on the darkness to co-create the future that we intend to share together. Through my own resiliency, I have again gained hope and see a bright future within the horizon. 

Through my integration of this experience, I have been guided back to a deeper understanding that permaculture is not just about the plants. Our relationships, the roles we hold, our behaviors and actions, and our ability to self-regulate and accept feedback are all essential areas of permaculture for our systems to thrive. Without those, we are left without a foundation, with soil that lacks fertility, with food scraps that aren’t composted, and without a structure of integrity to hold our intentions and work together. 

I deeply honor the hummannes within us all, the mistakes we make, the flaws we all carry, and our inherent, yet beautiful imperfection. However, it is through compassion and discernment that we hold our leaders and ourselves accountable for harm that is perpetuated within our communities. 

And I sincerely apologize to any of those that I sold the “permaculture image” to, when I didn’t even realize how deeply I was suffering, when I continuously manipulated into taking someone else’s truth over my own. 

My intentions in sharing this are to not bash my previous community, but to shed light on the harm that I, and many others, have experienced within the permaculture movement, so that we can create futures that don’t perpetuate this harm, and that represent true regeneration - not degeneration. 

I know now that these unhealthy oppressive dynamics are not isolated to this one community, and that so many young people who long to be a part of our regenerative futures are struggling in similar, if not worse environments. I hope to hold space for those whose hearts were broken by truly trusting and believing in organizations, communities and leaders who they believed were truly embodying the change. I realize now how much work is to be done for us to build communities, organizations, land projects, and educational programs for a truly, regenerative future. 

If you feel called to share your story, please reach out to me as we create this new world together. 

If you feel called to hear more about my experience, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. 

I hope to plant seeds for us to truly work towards building a just future and cultivate communities that are in alignment and integrity with our morals and values.